REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHE
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 1997 14:09:14 +0200
From: Ricardo Szmit
o Real Programmers don't eat quiche.
They like twinkies, coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
o Real Programmers don't write applications programs.
They program right down on the bare metal.
Applications programming is for the dullards who can't
do systems programming.
o Real Programmers don't write specs.
Users should be grateful for whatever they get:
They are lucky to get any programs at all.
o Real Programmers don't comment their code.
If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand
and harder to modify.
o Real Programmers don't document.
Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or
the object code from the dump.
o Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts.
Flowcharts are the illiterate's form of documentation.
Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for them.
o Real Programmers don't read manuals.
Reliance on a reference manual is the hallmark of the novice
and the coward.
o Real Programmers don't write in RPG.
RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.
o Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.
COBOL is for COmmon Business-Oriented Laymen who can't run a
business, much less write a real program.
o Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.
FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.
They get excited over finite state analysis
and nuclear reactor simulation.
o Real Programmers don't write in PL/1.
PL/1 is for insecure anal-retentives who can't
choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
o Real Programmers don't write in BASIC.
Actually, no programmer writes in BASIC after reaching puberty.
o Real Programmers don't write in APL,
unless the whole program can be written on one line.
o Real Programmers don't write in LISP.
Only idiots' programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.
o Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any
of those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing
is the crutch for people with weak minds.
o Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time.
But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into
working order in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.
o Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.
If any Real Programmers are around at 9:00 am,
its because they were up all night.
o Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which
requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is acceptable.
Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain
should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
o Real Programmers disdain structured programming.
Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were
permanently toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully
line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
o Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept.
Unless, of course they are the chief programmer.
o Real Programmers never write memos on paper.
They send memos via computer mail networks.
o Real Programmers have no use for managers.
Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with
personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other
o Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.
The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are
unable to "think big."
o Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks.
They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts.
Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
o Real Programmers don't believe in schedules.
Planners make up schedules.
Managers "firm up" schedules.
Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
Real Programmers ignore schedules.
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHE